It looks like not everything is booming (eh?) in the terror business.

Tahir ul-Qadri, a London-based Muslim scholar and founder of Minhaj-ul-Quran, has issued a fatwa–or religious ruling–against suicide bombers. Over 600 pages, he determined that killing people is bad, no matter the reason, and that you may not pass Go or collect 72 virgins, but go straight to hell.

However, don’t get so glum, Mopey Mutallah. If you’re angry and disenfranchised, you can still get into heaven the old fashioned way: being a judgmental, hypocritical prick.

Written by Rick Snee